thoughts and rants #4: ILY

I love you.
Love ya.
ILY.
ilu.

Some people may say that there is no difference between any of these. After all, they are all nothing but alterations of the poignant three-word phrase, "I love you." However, I feel as if although they do seem like they have exactly the same meaning, the full form seems to strike deeper in one's heart and hold more significance.
I'm sure that many people, like me, have experienced that sensation of the sentence's strength straining against mental dams that keep its utterance lodged in the back of your throat. Split seconds of a dry swallow later, the phrase is forced back down again and instead replaced by a strangled, meeker version.

So, what is "love?"
As a toddler and elementary school student, I was repulsed by the word and would melodramatically gag if it were to ever reach my ears. "Love" evoked mushy scenes of Disney couples kissing and fairy tales where the prince would always have to be the saviour. Splashy scenes in the evening as couples met on sidewalks to share a passionate moment. Sequences that my childish mind could not bear.
I guess that at this time, love meant something that made everyone act harebrained. Love was a dreamland that disconnected people from the real world. A sweet, twisted, rose-coloured nightmare. Searching the deepest depths of my soul in hindsight, I think that maybe, I saw love as a monster that took the attention away from me, a cute little girl, the supposed apple of everyone's eye.
However, here was a nebulous thought in my head that whispered that love could also mean love towards friends and family, but I often ignored that notion.

This definition was still almost the same even as I ran to school, proud of the fact that I was already a sixth-grader, though now I knew that there were two types of love -- couples' love, and friend or family love. The fear of using the phrase was still deeply rooted in my mind, and I still felt squeamish about seeing what would be classified as "normal" acts of affection in public.

Although two years does not seem like much time, it has been enough time for my views of love to change drastically. Last year, in seventh grade, I am sad to say that I succumbed to a crush. I wouldn't say that I was depressed, but it was quite a dark time to go through. It was not only because of a trivial infatuation, but also of events happening around me that I could not do anything about. To keep it short, I'll just say that I felt as if I was drowning in the world around me, and that I was inferior to everyone else. Mask upon mask of happiness and shackle upon shackle of anxiety obstructed my view and bound me from the freedom I deserved. To escape my own issues, I began to aid everyone around me. It was around this time that I restarted dewdrops. I believed that in order to truly be good enough, I would have to gain the approval of others around me. I thirsted for attention and, I guess, love. Finally, in the middle of this schoolyear, I began to seek other ways of seeing the world. I found joy and love everywhere, and I could finally see that my friends and family all LOVED and supported me. I needed no significant other, for that was only one type of love. Sure, it would be nice, but I knew that middle school relationships were usually superficial and, more often than not, unable to last. Through that tumultuous year, I found that I was here to help everyone and spread my views instead of staying shut in my shell.

Now, I see love as a deeper emotional bond for true friends, family, and, occasionally, a significant other. It is not when one's own happiness depends on another's wellbeing, but instead when the mutual respect, admiration, and support for each other builds upon the joy of both. When one is feeling down, the other, by giving love, can restore the person's faith in his or herself and pull through whatever may be the problem. It is when one helps without expecting anything in return because it is known that the favor will be returned in some way. Frankly, these words do not do the meaning of love any justice at all. However, I have attempted to describe it to the best of my ability.

Today, I am able to confidently say "I love you" to... loved ones (obviously), and since I know the feeling is true from at least my side, I can say it without stuttering. This does bring up the issue of thus lessening the prominence of this sentiment through overuse, but maybe that's for another time... <3

Some of you may be thinking, then what about unrequited love? True unrequited love? Or infatuation? The line, I think, is blurred. Here, it is when you place their happiness before your own. If something happens that makes them happy, you also feel content, not because it may have turned out the way that you wanted it to have, but because they themselves are satisfied. Sometimes, however, I feel as if it is simply the need for another's attention, or the need for someone to see you as you see them.

One thing, though -- I love you all :) Thank you for supporting me.

What do you think of love? Remember that these are my thoughts, and everyone's view of love is different. There is no right or wrong... it's all a matter of perception. :)